RELAX …….. (Rilek lahh……)
I have been told by my shifu aka Fasi fashi to perform a very simple task, every single week.
To RELAX.
To loosen up.
To de-tension myself.
I failed.
How come?
This morning before entering the prayer's room, I knew and felt this pretty strong tension hanging over my shoulder. Tried to de-stress myself on purpose, and I could feel the differences, even though it is like comparing it with a 'fake tension-free position'. It feels like me hanging myself onto a position on purpose, without knowing the reasons (as of now). Why was I so harsh on myself ?
During my weekly meet-up with Fasi fashi yesterday, there was this major outburst coming from my end.
And my body's reaction to it was an uncontrollably high tension outburst where my fingers were stuck in a super weird position for 10 long minutes. Imagine people with stroke. Crooked fingers. I looked at myself and laughed after crying myself into Fashin fashi. They were there to cheer me up. I laughed because I knew this is the real me deep inside. I am almost always stuck in such a position deep inside. Never knew how to reposition myself because I have been stuck for way too long to recall. I laughed because I learnt something new about myself today.
Ama and shifu consistently reminded us about the sense of gains and losses (得失心). It might be a significant trait or a very subtle but common one in every one of us. It literally means how our heart reacts to both gains and losses situation in our everyday lives. And especially those petty & random thoughts that flew by each day --- do we reach our destination on schedule 100% ? Do our colleagues and subordinates do things according to our wishes 100% ? Do we receive the returns we expected to? Do I present myself appropriately, according to other's wishes and expectations? We feel relieved when we are up to standard, and if no we will be affected emotionally, be it big or small ones.
For example, when writing this piece of essay I am already wondering: Will a lot of people bump into this one? How would they react? Am I on-point? Are the examples I provided relevant in their life or if it is just my personal's thoughts? Is this a well-written piece? Do I use flawless English or do I have any grammatical mistakes?
Man, LOOK at me!!!!
I believe this is applicable to most esp of high achievers.
And with this sense in mind I almost always intuitively react to my surroundings with an in-built weighing system. I tried to differentiate good and bad, gains and losses. My emotions are depending on the weighing results. I hold tightly to my own interpretation of good and bad, of white and black.
I see good and bad in everything. In every person. And esp in myself.
Specifically, my image & reputation. The way I present myself to others. The way others see me.
I could even, subconsciously, create plenty of stories in my mind. To prepare myself for any upcoming & potential losses --- What if she says so? What if my proposal is rejected? What if people doesn’t like me/my idea? Then I run scripts in my mind, trying hard to picture a perfect plan for every situation.
All of these because I am too afraid of losses. Of people's comments. Of poor reputation.
I love compliments. I enjoy them and my own achieved goal by the end of the day.
Simply say, I care too much. About myself.
For example, in the prayer's room earlier on, ama was scolding someone in my direction due to lack of focus/fell asleep during prayers. And while ama did not mention names I almost thought she was mentioning me. And my first reaction was, shamefully --- what would others perceive this? Would they thought I am the one getting scolded? I am looking good right?
And, right now while typing this, I sense people walking towards my direction and I quickly switch my screen to the one I believe more secure and pleasing to others, just to… you know lahhh, just to please others and maintain my hardworking reputation.
Seeeee? I care about my image/how others see me over everything else.
I am this insecure. This over-protective of myself.
I kick start my protective system, trying to look good to others. While deep inside, I am not a calm person. I fell into traps of stress and tensions easily. I locked myself in stand-by mode all the times, and once slightly triggered, I hurt myself, or better to say I let myself got hurt, all for the sake of the superficial.
And according to ama's words, it is the over emphasis & focus on our body, over our mind and soul.
While our soul shall be the spotlight of our life, and mind and thoughts being the director of our life -- in shaping our body and to guide and cleanse our soul, we mostly neglect them all. Without Buddhism practices, or specifically the practice of truth and pure mind, I'd never knew these.
I haven't fully grasp the full picture of this concept, not even 10%, but I believe in what I was told -- It is all about letting go of the 'unreal body'. Too abstract? For me I would start working on improving my inner self, to fix what is wrong, to guide myself like how a mother guide a kid, to convince myself to not hold tightly to my emotions. When emotions arise, we learn to observe the hidden meaning. What went wrong? Why does I react in such a way when there's a better way?
Many of the times, the reasons for all emotions arose are almost always due to our selfishness. It is about how much we care about ourselves, specifically our body. While doing this we are actually hurting ourselves more than anything else -- we lost our pure mind 清净 and therefore we suffer. The more we hold dearly onto, the more we hurt ourselves. And in the end, we are just another person who suffer here and there, all the way to our deathbed. That's it, that's the lifepath most of us choose to take.
I sometimes got lost too. What shall be the correct way then ???
I do not have the wisdom yet to fully comprehend both the big picture and my inner true self. Everything is in the grey zone.
Fasi shifu emphasized on just one thing (Or I chose this as the most important and easy ones):
Compare your thoughts VS those of Buddha's thoughts. 佛心？
Would Amitabha buddha reacts in such a way?
Is this true selflessness? Pure kindness?
And I always refer to what is taught in ama's teachings (coming from Amitabha Buddha's own words).
And learn not to believe in our own interpretation or ideas -- we are just normal person. We might be wrong.
Well…… seems like I am so so behind ….. (Stop this! This is just another sense of gains and losses aka 得失心, so habitual in me I almost forgot I am stuck again hahaha).
Anywaysss, I am starting on my path of becoming a better person, from deeeeeeeep inside and defitinely not the superficial.
See you next time when I learn more about myself!
Have a good day!
Well done! Ah Jing!